My shoe felt tight, so I took it off and saw that I had two layers of insoles.


I used the toilet, and right before I flushed, I noticed a drowned spider in the bowl. I hope that happened before I went to the bathroom, because I don’t know what I’d do if I had ass spiders.

Yesterday I pooped and it came out like a question mark, like it was asking “What did you eat?”

Katchina: I wonder if people are going to riot tomorrow for May Day.
Me: May Day is in May.
Katchina: May, March. They both start with the same letter.
*Tracey drives by*
Katchina: Oh my God is that Katelyn?
Me: No, that's Tracey.
Katchina: Goddamnit!
Me: It's ok. It's all the same.

I’m out getting pizza, and this douchebag brushed by me without saying sorry, so I followed him back to his table, looked him in the eye, farted, and then walked away.
Lindsay on the best way ever to tell people off

Nicole: I'm in the E.R. I hope the Free Care service backpays for this shit.
Lindsay: You could have a "I'm off my meds fuckers" freak out on them.
Nicole: Start peeing in the water fountain and eating the pamphlets.
Lindsay: Or peeing on the pamphlets and eating the water fountain.

I have my keffiyeh, my lesbian reading glasses, and my Sierra Nevada autumn ale called Tumbler. Am I cool yet?
Lindsay on her cool dreams to be cool

That is the best thong I’ve ever heard.
Lindsay and the Typos

When I quit Knott’s, I walked through the midway in costume swearing at the top of my lungs. My friend was like “Oh my god. Stop. You can’t do that,” and I was all, “What, are they going to fucking fire me? I don’t think so.”
Lindsay on how to quit a fucking job

Fred and Yaeko have me an opal necklace, then Yaeko said “a thousand thank yous” and then they both did the super deep bow. All the creys.
Lindsay on her gifts and also Japan